13 Words of Diminishing Returns

 

Have you ever heard the words that come out of your mouth and thought, “Why did I say that? That sounded so dumb.”? Or re-read the email (after you hit send, of course!) and totally criticized yourself for sounding small?

I’m guilty of self-analyzing. A LOT. Really, I spend so much time thinking about the things I say, write, do, and think that I should be paying me for therapy. I’d be rich!

I remember one of the members of my board, when I was running a nonprofit organization, telling me to stop using “wimp words”. That’s what he called them. Words and phrases I would use to soften my ideas, cushion my thoughts, or qualify my opinions.

I’m still guilty of doing many of these things. However, I’m making an effort to be more intentional with my words and how I use them. I don’t want to sound wimpy. I want to sound like a strong, intelligent, kind, and thoughtful person who has (sometimes) really good ideas, and (always) valid opinions. I’m still learning to stop packing myself into smaller spaces to make others feel better or more comfortable.

So, in an effort to take up the space I need, I am working on changing some of the language I use. I invite you to join me on this journey. Let’s take up space together. Let’s lose the wimp words. Let’s be strong and show our value.

Here’s where my brain is:

1.    Just. Unless you’re Nike, then just do it. For everyone else, I think we should dump this word when using it to soften something you did or are doing. For example, instead of saying, “I just wanted to follow up to see if you received my last email.” I plan to say things like, “I would appreciate a response to the email I sent you Monday; please let me know if you didn’t receive it.” The second expression is much stronger, it feels a little aggressive to me since I’m not used to expressing myself this way. However, if I swap sides of the equation, I know I’d be scrambling to find that Monday email. Wouldn’t you? Especially since now it feels like there may have been something important in it that needs my input or response.

2.    Really. Really? Yes. I find that ‘really’ is overused (by me) and ‘really’ adds nothing to a sentiment. And yet I use it ALL the damn time! If you say you’re happy that I’m planning to attend your event, I believe you. When you say you’re really happy I’m coming, I start to get suspicious. Happy is enough all on its own. If that’s what goes through my mind when you use that word, then why am I still doing it all over the place? Enough!

3.    Very. This is the cousin of really. The next time I want to thank someone ‘very much’, I hope to feel the proverbial elbow in the ribs and realize that being grateful doesn’t need any qualifiers. It’s enough all on its own. Oh, and I’ll be on the lookout for the many cousins of really: pretty, super, extremely, and other qualifying words I totally enjoy putting in front of (or around) words that already express a feeling.

4.    So. So, in realizing that this word is a gap in the conversation – a pause – a way to add distance, space, or time – I really should edit this piece. Please don’t go back and count them! Sometimes I use it as a qualifier like really and very, as in “I’m so happy to hear from you.” Sometimes I use it as a cushion, like how I begin this section. Either way it adds nothing.

5.    Honestly. And its cousin: frankly. As I mentioned before, when you’re in conversation with others, calling out that you’re now being honest or frank makes people wonder what you were being before you specified this. And honestly, I don’t want people going around assuming I’m a big fat liar the majority of the time. Or a big fat anything, really.

6.    Kinda/Sorta. I’m joking, but only kinda. Words that show I doubt myself don’t instill confidence in others. I do this more in conversation than in writing, but when I use words and phrases like kind of, sort of, and maybe I show a level of uncertainty that tells others to not bother remembering the input I just gave. (And, yes, this just is justified ;) ) It’s fine to be unsure about things. No one expects any of us to have all the answers. I’m learning to be more comfortable with saying, “I don’t know.” There’s a difference between expressing a lack of confidence in an idea or thought and expressing a lack of confidence in oneself. To differentiate, I’m practicing saying things more like: “I have an idea I’m considering. Can I bounce it off you and get your opinion?” or “I think I understand what you’re asking of me, but before I respond can you try asking in a different way?” I feel like this exhibits a lot more thoughtfulness, presence, and confidence than when I say things like, “I sort of know what you mean.” “I kind of thought we’d be working together on this.” “I can finish the project by Monday, maybe.”

7.    Needless to say. This one makes me LOL. And RME. I’m not guilty of the phrases I’m listing here, but I’m working on setting boundaries and responses around them because they’ve bothered me for decades. I am uncomfortable when people say these things to me and I’m learning how to respond appropriately and confidently. If it’s needless to say, then why are you saying it? It’s like opening a conversation with “I don’t want to offend you” or “Don’t take this the wrong way”. Once those phrases leave your mouth, I’ve stopped listening. Why? Because you’ve already told me that the next thing you say will be needless, offensive, or insulting. “Ain’t nobody got time for that. Next!” Although this is what I want to respond with, I’m practicing saying things like, “Before you continue, please consider reframing what you’re about to say so that it isn’t offensive or insulting.”

8.    Can I ask you a question? I’m kinda a stubborn smartass, so my gut reaction to this is to respond with, “You just did.” And yet, every now and then I hear myself asking to ask questions. What kind of person would say no? (Answer: possibly a stubborn smartass.) In reality, though, why do I need permission to ask a question? I’m as important as everyone else in the room. I have a right to ask things. To learn. To acquire knowledge. If I’m asking to ask because I’m interrupting someone, then all I need to say is “excuse me” and then ask.

9.    Sorry. This one’s for a dear friend of mine who got on my case years ago about this one. I used to apologize for everything under the sun. And over it, if I was having a bad day. I have learned that I’m not responsible for the universe (who knew?) and that apologies should be saved for things I’m truly responsible for and sorry about. Still...I catch myself apologizing needlessly sometimes. I am learning that instead of saying “I’m sorry I’m late” when I arrive ten minutes late (after calling to let you know) because there was an accident on the highway that slowed my roll, to say “Thank you for waiting for me.” or “Thank you for grabbing a table for us while you waited.” I’ve learned that instead of saying, “I’m sorry to take up so much of your time.” because I need more than 30 minutes of a busy person’s schedule, to say “I really appreciate you taking the time for me today.”

10. May. It’s a beautiful month, but a really wimpy word. It’s related to might and hope. On their own – no issues. But when it comes to action, they don’t promise a whole lot. I might go for a walk today implies that I might not. We hope to raise $100,000 in our charity fundraiser next month says that we didn’t plan for it, we just sorta hope it falls in our laps. It’s ok to be uncertain. It’s ok to not hit your goals. (And when I say your, I’m talking to myself!) Whenever I catch myself using these wimpy terms, my mind goes straight to Yoda and I hear his voice, “There is no try. There is only do.” And no, I don’t judge myself for turning to the wisdom of a fictional LGM.

11. !!! This one is also for my dear friend. The editor. She has tried to beat this out of me. She hasn’t been successful, but I understand where she’s coming from! (That one was just to annoy her.) According to Wikipedia, an exclamation point is usually used after an interjection or exclamation to indicate strong feelings or to show emphasis. And I understand that if I have strong feelings for or show emphasis on every single thought I express in writing, then really none of it stands out. It’s like when people say if every day was Christmas, then Christmas wouldn’t be special anymore. I get it! I really do! And I’m working on it, Suz, I promise.

12. Stuff and Things. I like stuff and things. Who doesn’t? I mean, why are we all working so hard? It’s to be able to afford our stuff and things, right? I’m kidding. In reality, though, those two words mean nothing. They’re the words I use when I’m not sure how to state something specifically. When I use these words, I find it’s because I haven’t taken a pause and considered what I truly mean to say. Using the words stuff and things is an indicator to myself to stop for a minute, find the proper words to express what I mean to convey to someone, and then start again with more useful language. “Do you have time to meet privately today? I’d like to talk about the stuff that came up at yesterday’s staff meeting?” I will be changing to something like, “I heard you express a concern at yesterday’s staff meeting that I’d like to discuss with you privately. Are you available at 2pm today?”

13. Amazing. This one hurts. So much. I use this word every day. Multiple times. It’s a little over the top for the stuff and things I’m describing. It’s also not very descriptive. If someone wants my opinion about an idea they have, telling them I think it’s amazing might make them feel good (for a minute) but it doesn’t give them any specific feedback or information about why I have a positive opinion. Amazing is a super, simple one-word response that lets me off the hook from having to give things further thought or express myself in a more vulnerable way. The next time someone asks me what I think about their new fundraiser idea, instead of responding with “Amazing!”, I will give the idea proper time to sink in and respond with something more helpful, like “I think it’s a great idea. I like that you’ve created a way to add revenue to the budget without using a significant number of staff hours.”

For me, it’s about becoming more intentional and connecting to others in a more meaningful way. It’s also about retraining my brain; deleting ‘wimp words’ from my mental database and replacing them with words, phrases, and whole big thoughts that express confidence, thoughtfulness, and intention.